New York is the greatest comedy city on the planet. So when I visited, I kind of expected the best comedy audiences on the planet.

Nope.

I experienced more heckling, talking, and just general not understanding of how to behave at a comedy show behavior in New York than I ever do at my dear Zanies or any other comedy club I visit in any other city.

What happened that was so bad?

•At the Comedy Cellar, a guy with an accent, kept talking during the show, most notably yelling out right before Jim Norton’s punch line, impeding his ability to finish the joke. It resulted in Jim Norton taking him down in hilarious fashion but it’s an example of the kind of behavior anyone familiar with stand up comedy should know is disruptive. This idiot was talking the entire show.

•At the Stand, when Bonnie McFarlane was on stage, two hot young women next to me*, who had been silent for 80% of the show, started talking to her for no reason and saying random shit that didn’t even make sense. One just stated “Elizabeth Holmes” for no apparent reason. They just couldn’t stop once they got started. They ended up getting kicked out almost immediately. It was the first time I had ever seen someone kicked out of a comedy show because comedy clubs hate to do it and reserve the kick out for only the most disruptive behavior.

•At that same show at The Stand, when the next comic came up, he asked if the hot chicks deserved to be kicked out. Most of the audience clapped vigorously but several people said no and said, “they didn’t do anything wrong,” acting genuinely puzzled that they had been kicked out. Had they ever been to a comedy show before? Did they think talking to comics while they are trying to perform is part of the show?

•At another late night show at the Comedy Cellar, people just weren’t laughing and didn’t seem to understand jokes. Every comic who came on stage commented about how difficult the audience was. It became clear they were visiting from foreign countries and saw the Comedy Cellar as a tourist destination like the Statute of Liberty or a Broadway show.

Why are audiences like this in New York? I think there are two main reasons.

Comedy tourism

Most people that attend comedy shows in Chicago, DC, Philadelphia, Denver, or any other city in America do so because they like standup comedy. These people regularly watch comedy specials, have favorite comics, and attend at least a couple of comedy shows a year. There will always be people who get dragged along or are just going to the comedy club because there is nothing else to do but the majority of audience members kind of “get it.”

In New York, the percentage of comedy fans who “get it” seemed to be a bit lower to me. There are tons and tons of international people who go to shows at the Comedy Cellar. This isn’t just my experience. Watch any crowd work clip from someone performing there and they will often ask, “anyone here from outside the United States?” because they know the answer will always be yes. Frequently, these folks are visiting the Comedy Cellar as a tourist destination and are not there because they genuinely enjoy standup comedy as an art form. They are going to a show at The Comedy Cellar just like they went to the Museum of Modern Art earlier that day and the Empire State Building the day before. Maybe this is why it is so damn hard to get a reservation there on weekends.

Because these aren’t regular consumers of standup comedy, confusion about norms and appropriate behavior occurs. I am not a regular consumer of the orchestra and I don’t really “get it” but when I go, I just behave like everyone else and sit silently. The problem with a comedy show is that appropriate behavior isn’t just to sit silently. The appropriate response is laughter. Additionally, comics routinely engage in crowd work and ask audience members questions so there is a time at a comedy show when talking is appropriate. (And there is tons of alcohol throughout all of this). Thus, irregular consumers of comedy can get confused and fail to see that when a comic is talking to you, you behave like a 1950s child. Speak only when spoken to.

Just because a reaction is appropriate when a comic asks you a question doesn’t mean you are permitted to talk whenever you want during the show.

You need a certain percentage of the audience to be comedy people who “get it” so that the irregular consumers of comedy fall in line. That percentage is not where it needs to be at some of these New York shows. (To be clear, there were plenty of shows where people behaved great. One was the Chappelle pop-up show at The Stand, which isn’t a surprise because it was $200 per ticket, weeding out all tourists and people who don’t care about comedy. The second was the weeknight show at Carolines. And the last show I attended at The Stand was just a well-behaved, Chicago-style audience. Comedy Cellar audiences were universally the worst. )

Too many hot, young people wanting a night out

I rarely see hot young people at Zanies. In fact, the last time I was at Zanies a few weeks ago to see Big Jay Oakerson, we passed throngs of hot young people waiting in line for clubs and bars as we made our way to the comedy club. But, in New York, the hot young people don’t just stick to the clubs and bars. They come into the comedy clubs too.

And make no mistake, the comedy audiences I encountered in New York were mad young. We’re talking college students and early twenties…so young it looks like they aren’t legal. So young, I forgot adults can look that young. Skin so pure you want to take a syringe and pull out the collagen and inject it into your own face.

More proof of these youthful audiences is that during several shows, comics would ask if there were any parents in the audience and it was always just Vince and I and a few other people clapping. When Michelle Wolf posed this question, I was so obviously the only mom in the room that she played all of her material relating to being a mom directly to me.

This is a version of the comedy tourism problem that leads to the same problems. The young people at The Stand didn’t understand why two hot young women talking incessantly would get kicked out of a comedy show. Why would they? Who kicks hot young women out of anywhere?

Stand up comedy is the greatest art form in existence and it is the only interactive art form I know of that requires an audience. I want people to see more live comedy. If you are reading this, go see live comedy!

But please behave. The audience has to know how to shut up.

In New York, as a general rule, they don’t.

When I came back to Zanies the next week to see Jessica Kirson, it was like sleeping in my own bed again.

*Whenever I see a 10 at a comedy show, I know they are going to suck. 10s are entitled and no one ever tells them “no” and everyone always wants their attention. This is fertile ground for not shutting the fuck up during the show.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re just bitter because you’re a 36 year old mom with formerly great tits that now sag and look deflated from breastfeeding two babies. The outlines of your very first wrinkles are coming in. You drive a fucking minivan. You resent all these hot youngsters with their gorgeous, bountiful, bouncy boobies, total lack of responsibility, and endless possibilities. You’re dead right. But it doesn’t change the fact that these young 10s are still shit comedy audience members.