The Comedy Cellar is a magical, wonderful place for any comedy lover but their reservation system sucks hard.

And they need to at least double their prices.

Here’s how the Comedy Cellar’s reservation system works:

The Comedy Cellar charges a cover fee like any comedy club but they don’t charge you at the time you make a reservation so you can reserve a show for every single night of the week and attend none of them with no consequences, preventing people who would definitely attend the show from being able to make a reservation at all.

Here’s what you see when you go to make a reservation:

You click the show you want and you get to this page. You get to this page even when the show is already at capacity for reservations! Why not just put this on the page above so people don’t waste their time?

You put your email in and get on the reservation list as long as it isn’t already sold out and then they charge you the cover fee at the end of the night after the show when you are paying for your drinks and everything. When you are on the reservation list, everything is fine and dandy. You show up and if you’re early, you can get front row no problem.

But…

90% of the time, you put your email in, click next, and are greeted with this screen:

You can take your chances and wait in line in the cold to maybe probably possibly not get a seat in the worst seat in the room or you can just go buy tickets at The Stand and go directly into a warm room with delicious cocktails. Gee. Tough choice.

This system actually works kind of OK for shows Monday-Wednesday. They release all shows for the upcoming week on Thursday. The Thursday before we left, I went to the Cellar’s website that morning and easily booked shows for Tuesday. I booked a 7:30 show under my name and the 11:30 show under my husband’s name (they won’t take more than one reservation per name per night).

I went to book a show for Thursday and many of them were already sold out even though the ability to make reservations had just opened up within the hour. I was able to book a 9:30 show for Thursday. The weekend’s reservations weren’t open yet and would open the following Thursday when we were in New York.

That Thursday, I woke up at 10am after a night of drinking and found that all the Cellar’s reservations for the entire weekend (yes, even the 12:55am shows!) were totally full up. I am not going to go wait in line to maybe get a seat.

If I had only been in New York for the weekend, me, a diehard comedy nerd who went on vacation in New York only for the purpose of seeing live standup, would have been unable to go to the Cellar while I was in town. I feel lucky I was able to go to two shows on a Tuesday.

I asked a waitress in The Olive Tree Cafe what was up with that and she said they got sick of tons of people not showing up and asking for refunds. But there are a million better ways to solve this problem.

Here are three of them:

1.Double your prices and charge for tickets upfront.

The most expensive ticket at The Comedy Cellar is $25 on the weekend. Most other tickets are $14 or $17. The Cellar should charge at least $25 per ticket no matter what, probably $50 per ticket on weekends, and at least $100 for front row seats on weekends. Everyone should pay upfront. This will ensure that only those who really care about comedy and really intend to go to the show will make a reservation. These are basic laws of economics here.

Even better, since demand at the Cellar is so high, engage tock to do your ticketing and charge a deposit equal to the price of the ticket plus the two lowest cost bar items or allow customers to pick all of their drinks and pay their full bill in advance. This has resulted in an under 3% no show rate for restaurants using tock and could make the exit and closing out process so much easier for everyone.

2. Offer no refunds; only exchanges

Shit happens. People buy tickets and can’t make the show. At $50 a ticket, they shouldn’t just be out of luck but they shouldn’t get a refund. Let them exchange their tickets for another show. At $50 a pop, there will be few of these requests.

3. Give out remaining tickets 5 minutes before show time like they do now.

When the prices are right, there probably won’t be many tickets left but this will ensure a full room and will make the doormen’s lives much easier. I can’t imagine how much it must suck to have a line full of people who were told they would probably get in waiting to get into a show.

Not only will this eliminate their no-shows and requests for refunds; it will increase the quality of audiences dramatically and make the experience better for the comics, staff, and customers. When people have to pay upfront only those who genuinely care and want to be there will go. It will discourage tourists who don’t give a shit about comedy. Oh, and the Comedy Cellar will turn a bigger profit!

The Comedy Cellar’s reservation system is shitty. It’s so shitty, it feels like it has to be intentionally shitty. I don’t know anything about tickets or how to run a comedy club so don’t rely on me. Look to the Comedy Cellar’s only true peer.

The Comedy Store in Los Angeles has a conventional reservation system that works like a charm. When we went to the Store back in February, we attended shows four nights in a row and had no problem getting seats. Every single show sold out. And the audiences were much better. The Comedy Cellar should follow the Comedy Store’s lead and implement their exact reservation system.

Look at the Comedy Store’s website for shows tonight. As you can see below, I can immediately tell who is on each show, I can see that none of them are sold out, and I can easily click the “tickets” button below each to show to purchase tickets that I pay for in advance.

Look at the Cellar’s website for tonight’s shows:

The only information I have is the fact that there are ten shows. I can’t tell which comics are appearing at any of them, whether any of them are sold out (all of them are), or purchase tickets from this page.

The Comedy Store charges $25 per ticket and $50 per VIP good seating ticket. You pay that money upfront. Like the Cellar, the Comedy Store has three rooms and the best comics in the country. They have surprise unbelievable drop-ins and people travel just to go there. They are both located in the most elite tier of U.S. cities when it comes to culture, prestige, and tourism. These are peer clubs.

When you do get lucky enough to actually make it into the Comedy Cellar for a show, there is no better comedy experience on earth. But due solely to the Cellar’s garbage reservation system, The Comedy Store is the undisputed #1 comedy club in the world.